I sometimes still have those moments, like waking from a wonderful dream and realizing I’ve just been dumped. Occasionally I can get so wrapped up in a sci-fi show that I forget I have cancer. The last two days it’s been harder to forget. The pain is constant, leaving me stuck horizontal on the couch. I don’t mind not being able to do chores, but not being able to sit upright long enough to do things I enjoy is driving me crazy. Yesterday I didn’t leave the couch, and I know today will be the same.
For about half an hour yesterday I was able to be up long enough to do a little painting. I tried to write all day yesterday, laptop on the couch, ass in the air. Everything came out angry from the discomfort. The most of it was not being able to move past my frustration with people giving me advice when I don’t ask for it. Comforting words, friendship, encouragement, pity, and compliments are all welcome. But going from “i care about you” to “I know what you should do” is a line that shouldn’t be crossed with cancer patients. Or perhaps it should never be crossed with anyone.
I know advice comes from a place of caring, but it’s like telling a leukemia patient, “Hey, have you tried a good night’s sleep?” Of course I’ve tried pain killers. Of course I’ve slathered my butt-crack with Prep H. Of course I’ve been drinking teas, and eating healthier than anyone else I know. I don’t want to be annoyed by people that care. I feel bad being irritated by that. But I have to be honest, things that might help me when I have the flu aren’t the same things that help manage pain from radiation.
I was going to try to stick it out until I go in for radiation tomorrow morning, but Tylenol wasn’t doing it and the throbbing got the best of me. I had Mark call in to the doctor for help. With Vicodin and my system I am finally able to move without involuntary tears of pain running down my cheeks. I feel better.
I have the best husband. He runs to me at the sound of my voice, doing everything in his power to help keep me comfortable. Jenn is making me some soup right now so I don’t have to worry about making lunches while Mark is at work. If not for all the good people taking care of me I couldn’t keep my strength. Thank you all. And keep the compliments coming! Smiling does wonders.