I sometimes still have those moments, like waking from a wonderful dream and realizing I’ve just been dumped. Occasionally I can get so wrapped up in a sci-fi show that I forget I have cancer. The last two days it’s been harder to forget. The pain is constant, leaving me stuck horizontal on the couch. I don’t mind not being able to do chores, but not being able to sit upright long enough to do things I enjoy is driving me crazy. Yesterday I didn’t leave the couch, and I know today will be the same.

For about half an hour yesterday I was able to be up long enough to do a little painting.  I tried to write all day yesterday, laptop on the couch, ass in the air. Everything came out angry from the discomfort. The most of it was not being able to move past my frustration with people giving me advice when I don’t ask for it. Comforting words, friendship, encouragement, pity, and compliments are all welcome. But going from “i care about you” to “I know what you should do” is a line that shouldn’t be crossed with cancer patients. Or perhaps it should never be crossed with anyone.

I know advice comes from a place of caring, but it’s like telling a leukemia patient, “Hey, have you tried a good night’s sleep?” Of course I’ve tried pain killers. Of course I’ve slathered my butt-crack with Prep H. Of course I’ve been drinking teas, and eating healthier than anyone else I know. I don’t want to be annoyed by people that care. I feel bad being irritated by that. But I have to be honest, things that might help me when I have the flu aren’t the same things that help manage pain from radiation.

I was going to try to stick it out until I go in for radiation tomorrow morning, but Tylenol wasn’t doing it and the throbbing got the best of me. I had Mark call in to the doctor for help. With Vicodin and my system I am finally able to move without involuntary tears of pain running down my cheeks. I feel better.

I have the best husband. He runs to me at the sound of my voice, doing everything in his power to help keep me comfortable. Jenn is making me some soup right now so I don’t have to worry about making lunches while Mark is at work. If not for all the good people taking care of me I couldn’t keep my strength. Thank you all. And keep the compliments coming! Smiling does wonders.


About Kamina Kapow

I have dimples and friends

8 responses to “butt-hurt”

  1. Markis Melarkis says :


    You may not know it, but that is the voice of an artist. You are someone who looks for the beauty in ugliness, strength in weakness, and humor in tragedy.

    This is why I come running. Because all artists need a patron and because I love you.

  2. adayinthelifeofamiddleagewoman says :

    I’m glad Mark’s there to be with you. A good husband’s an amazing gift.
    Rest as you can.

  3. Tina Lucero Donnaloia says :

    This hurt my heart to hear how much pain you’ve been in. Your beautiful face and way with words makes us forget what you are going thru and it just hit me like a semi-truck. I am so glad you were able to find some relief. Love and hugs are constantly coming atcha from the Donnaloia’s (kinda like Lady Rainacron’s tail)!! LOVE YOU!!!

  4. 2eagles says :


    Just to say Thinking about You and family. Its great You have a Good Man beside You, when My wife was going through her Journey I loved taking care of her. God Bless You and Heal You ..

    Best Wishes Rob

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