i am here
When I feel good I have a bit of a panic. Did I remember to take my chemotherapy pills? yes? Why do I feel so good?! I almost have no complaints today. Almost, except the radiation side-effects have started. It feels like my gentles are on fire. (Yes, I call them “gentles”) Anyone who has ever had a sunburn ONLY on the inside of their buttcrack and vag knows how I feel right now. But I have to ask, what were *you* doing to get a sunburn there? No, no, I don’t want to know.
Week two of chemo and radiation is over. Four more weeks to go. I can do this. My last day is December 1st, then my 30th birthday is the 6th. I was really hoping for a huge party for my 30th at my brand new house, but we’ll have to postpone. When I’m completely recovered and cancer-free I’ma party so hard. Some girls grow up dreaming of their wedding day, but my girly dream was always to host a killer party in my own house. When we were house-shopping the top of my list was “big open area for hosting” and we got it. Now I’ll need to have 2 events to make up for the wait.
While I’m not hosting fabulous parties I will instead be recovering from chemo and radiation. I may finish treatments on December 1, but the side effects won’t be gone for at least a month, maybe 2. At that point it will be time for surgery, and then more recovery. Depending on how surgery goes, and what they find, I will either be done with this, or I’ll be back in the hospital for more chemo, but this time the IV kind. See, the pills I’m taking now most likely won’t make me lose my hair, but if I do the IV later I will. I must confess my crazy, I was really looking forward to losing my hair. I make all this creepy art out of my self-portraits, and I was thrilled by the idea of alien-like portraits of my bald head. And before I lost my hair the plan was to shave a mohawk and keep that for about a week. I’ve always wanted to try a mohawk. Now the best I can do is buz my head, but it’s just not as exciting if I’m not going to be smooth bald, without eyebrows or any trace of hair.
I’m faced with my own internal desires. I want to lose my hair, but that doesn’t mean I hope I still have cancer after surgery. On the other hand… I kind of do. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but as a curious person who will do anything for a good story, I love everything I stand to gain from living life. Before cancer I would wake up every morning, look at my reflection, and say in my head, “this could be your last day, live it.” I think about death daily, whether I’m faced with it or not. When an opportunity arises, and I must choose a path, I pick the difficult one. Ask me if I was faced with a choice to go through battle cancer or not, and if I were honest I would have to say I would pick cancer. I do have a small streak of self-destruction in me and a tiny voice that sometimes tell me I deserve it, but more than that I desire to live and conquer. Every time I conquer I feel a little less like I deserve it and a little more like a winner.
When I was young, someone very important to me that I looked up to sat me down and told me that I’d never done anything to make them proud, “If I ever said I loved you it was a lie, because you are not worth loving. I have to lie and tell people I love you so I don’t look like a bad person. I hate you for putting me in that position.” Jesus. I cry as I write this. How does a person ever get over that? It is the echoing voice that will ever haunt me. Every time I doubt myself I remember this voice. Every time I am faced with defeat I hear the voice telling me, “You deserve it.” I don’t. I KNOW I DON’T. But that doesn’t make the voice go away. Will it ever go away? But in so many ways it has been the fire that makes me the daring and fearless person I am. I will prove it wrong. I will be amazing.
I will win.