i am here

When I feel good I have a bit of a panic. Did I remember to take my chemotherapy pills? yes? Why do I feel so good?! I almost have no complaints today. Almost, except the radiation side-effects have started. It feels like my gentles are on fire. (Yes, I call them “gentles”) Anyone who has ever had a sunburn ONLY on the inside of their buttcrack and vag knows how I feel right now. But I have to ask, what were *you* doing to get a sunburn there? No, no, I don’t want to know.

Week two of chemo and radiation is over. Four more weeks to go. I can do this. My last day is December 1st, then my 30th birthday is the 6th. I was really hoping for a huge party for my 30th at my brand new house, but we’ll have to postpone. When I’m completely recovered and cancer-free I’ma party so hard. Some girls grow up dreaming of their wedding day, but my girly dream was always to host a killer party in my own house. When we were house-shopping the top of my list was “big open area for hosting” and we got it. Now I’ll need to have 2 events to make up for the wait.

While I’m not hosting fabulous parties I will instead be recovering from chemo and radiation. I may finish treatments on December 1, but the side effects won’t be gone for at least a month, maybe 2. At that point it will be time for surgery, and then more recovery. Depending on how surgery goes, and what they find, I will either be done with this, or I’ll be back in the hospital for more chemo, but this time the IV kind. See, the pills I’m taking now most likely won’t make me lose my hair, but if I do the IV later I will. I must confess my crazy, I was really looking forward to losing my hair. I make all this creepy art out of my self-portraits, and I was thrilled by the idea of alien-like portraits of my bald head. And before I lost my hair the plan was to shave a mohawk and keep that for about a week. I’ve always wanted to try a mohawk. Now the best I can do is buz my head, but it’s just not as exciting if I’m not going to be smooth bald, without eyebrows or any trace of hair.

I’m faced with my own internal desires. I want to lose my hair, but that doesn’t mean I hope I still have cancer after surgery. On the other hand… I kind of do. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else, but as a curious person who will do anything for a good story, I love everything I stand to gain from living life. Before cancer I would wake up every morning, look at my reflection, and say in my head, “this could be your last day, live it.” I think about death daily, whether I’m faced with it or not. When an opportunity arises, and I must choose a path, I pick the difficult one. Ask me if I was faced with a choice to go through battle cancer or not, and if I were honest I would have to say I would pick cancer. I do have a small streak of self-destruction in me and a tiny voice that sometimes tell me I deserve it, but more than that I desire to live and conquer. Every time I conquer I feel a little less like I deserve it and a little more like a winner.

When I was young, someone very important to me that I looked up to sat me down and told me that I’d never done anything to make them proud, “If I ever said I loved you it was a lie, because you are not worth loving. I have to lie and tell people I love you so I don’t look like a bad person. I hate you for putting me in that position.” Jesus. I cry as I write this. How does a person ever get over that? It is the echoing voice that will ever haunt me. Every time I doubt myself I remember this voice. Every time I am faced with defeat I hear the voice telling me, “You deserve it.” I don’t. I KNOW I DON’T. But that doesn’t make the voice go away. Will it ever go away? But in so many ways it has been the fire that makes me the daring and fearless person I am. I will prove it wrong. I will be amazing.

I will win.

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About Kamina Kapow

I have dimples and friends

14 responses to “i am here”

  1. Jenn's Mom says :

    Yes you will. Yes you are. Yes you have. You are worthy. You deserve all things good. You are joy..

  2. Sandi says :

    You are amazing , you are special and you will conquer this !
    Whoever that ass was that said that doesn’t deserve to know you. I can relate to you wanting to be better in spite of it all.
    You are a wonderfully lovingly kind person. I love how you don’t let your past define you.
    That’s part of what makes you amazing.

  3. Mom says :

    You will conquer because that is just who you are.
    You are strong, amazing, beautiful and a caring person.
    I admire you and wish I was more like you.
    There are moments in your life that you look at your child and think,
    “WOW!,THAT IS MY KID!”
    And right now is one of those moments in life. You are amazing.

  4. becomingamazon says :

    I know I wont be the the only one to tell you that YOU ALREADY ARE AMAZING 9and always have been).

    But I might be the only one to tell you that I think so because you wrote about your buttcrack and vag feeling sunburned……(lol)

  5. adayinthelifeofamiddleagewoman says :

    I’m crying.
    Sometimes, I read you and I feel like I’m looking in a mirror.
    I don’t want you to have cancer anymore. I want it to be gone. I want to continue to ‘see’ you and be awed by you.
    I love your Mom for the words she says to you and about you.
    I’m old enough to have been your “baby mama” so I can say this. If you were my kid, I’d be in awe of you too, and you’d be told every single day how freakin’ awesome you are.

    • clumsythinker says :

      After I posted I felt a little naked, but I had to be candid because beyond feeling exposed is the opportunity for people to relate to me, and I really enjoy that. 🙂

  6. Christina Conner McAlmond says :

    What do you mean “I will be amazing”… honey you have ALWAYS been amazing. After all this we will have to buy you the proper super woman outfit to truly match your strength. I hate to hear that people are cruel- it makes me wanna punch someone in the face. No one, NO ONE should ever say such things to a child. That person was hateful and you are beautiful… you win. I am glad to hear you have good days- smile and laugh as much as you can. I swear that always makes me feel better.

  7. Tina Lucero Donnaloia says :

    You have already proven them wrong because you are surrounded by tons of people that love you and think you are amazing! It won’t erase what was said and the damage it did but I hope you know that you float in a sea of love and that you will never drown from words. We would all dive in after you if you ever started to. I am sure the same could not be said for the person from which those words came. WE LOVE YOU KAMINIE!!!

  8. april says :

    you know, i was just thinking…i bet that person (who i consider an asshole right now)…might have been told that when he/she was a wee lad/lass…and was WRONGLY projecting that onto you. some people have their own toxic inner tapes from things they were told when they were younger…and rather than reframe it (like you are doing)…they get stuck there and spew their toxicity onto others. they obviously were not able to see clearly…because as we all can see…YOU ARE AMAZING!

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