where is my mind?

I’ve had a week of the worst headaches I’ve ever had, nausea, dizziness and about 13 to 14 hours of sleep a day. Without the extra sleep I’m useless. My least favorite part of the side-effects is not being able to focus my mind like I usually can. I’m learning more about how people see me based on all the things they come to me for that I just can’t do right now. I’m usually sharp, and a good resource for decision-making whether at work or home. Last night I had to make ONE decision and I broke down crying under the stress. That’s not me, I’m the queen of telling people what to do. It’s so strange, sad, and stressful losing my personality to cancer. I think time will pass and my mind will find it’s way back to me. But not right now. These days I’m not myself. I can’t multitask, I can’t deal with questions, and I’ve lost my bossy. I miss you, Bossy. So. Much.

I demand you come back right now!

On a brighter note, my headache is only a third as bad as it has been this week, I’m only a wee bit nauseous, and it *almost* feels like I don’t have cancer. Small victory! πŸ™‚


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About Kamina Kapow

I have dimples and friends

5 responses to “where is my mind?”

  1. Robyn Schultze says :

    You are surrounded by the healing energy of the good thoughts and prayers of those who love and care for you. Rest in the arms of the strength of this, weary traveler. Let us sustain you.

  2. Paul Palmer says :

    I’m so very proud of you Kamina. You rock even when you can’t make decisions or multi-task. It is OK to just focus on you for this time in your life. You need to be able to just focus on beating this thing. It is OK to let others take care of you.
    When I was paralized and had open elbow that couldn’t get wet because the chipper tore of all the skin and muscle of me left elbow my father had to bath me in our little old tub. I look back at that and remember how much my dad loved me.
    It is our time to do those things you can’t do right now for you. If you can think of anything we can do all the way down here in Eugene please don’t hesitate to ask.
    We need to know from you what you need, that is all.
    When I was bed ridden for three months with a ruptured disk in my neck and lost use of my left arm again sally had to help me pee. I mean holding my pee pee. Now that is love.

  3. Markis Melarkis says :

    I never thought I’d say it, but I miss Bossy, too 😦 I am happy, though, that you’re feeling better today πŸ™‚

  4. Diana says :

    Sounds almost exactly like when I became a mom. All except the “someday my mind will come back to me” part. I think I will be bonkers forever. I hope your headaches go away.

  5. becomingamazon says :

    I am so sorry you feel like crap. Really…and I don’t even know you. Cancer takes far too much from us. What I can tell you, is that being gentle with yourself and letting go — trying not to struggle with the struggle will make it easier. Your life is being re-shaped by cancer, and while NONE of us would choose it, we are so grateful for who we become in the end. When my dad told me this (he is a prostate cancer survivor, and I am a breast cancer survivor) I told him to f*** off…..so I get it if that is your response. Just saying though!!!
    Hint…now is a really good time to watch dumb movies….if they are really bad you wont remember and the simplicity of them compared to life makes them funnier than they should be…..

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