how am i not myself?
When I get sick, stressed, or am just not feeling myself, the best comfort to me is to be silent. I enjoy listening to other people over the sound of my own voice, but most of all I love the places my mind takes me when I am silent. I know there aren’t many people that can relate to me in that respect, and it scares them how silent I can be. That makes me think my mind is a lot less scary a place than most people. But I can’t say if that’s true. I’m faced with scary thoughts, and I move past them.
When I got to radiation today, Gloria was there. I don’t actually know her name, but she looks like a Gloria. She is always found sitting with family in the waiting room, and considering the fact that family is not allowed back in our waiting room (due to those of us who have to wait in hospital gowns) it stands to reason she is terrified. This morning she was alone, and for the first time in my life, I was less concerned with having my quiet time, and I was overcome with compassion for her, and so I, out of character, went and sat next to her.
“I can always tell who is being treated for what based on what they’re wearing. I have no pants under my robe, so you know it’s got to be my ovaries or my butthole. If the person is wearing pants under their robe, it means breast or lung cancer. You have no robe at all, that means it’s your brain.”
“It is. My brain is being treated, but it started in my lungs,” Gloria replies. She goes on to tell me about her liver disease from 20 years ago, and the breast cancer she had 15 years ago. When I told her about my condition I could see tears begin in her eyes.
“I’m just a wee one when I comes to cancer. I haven’t seen anyone pantless around here in the mornings and definitely no one even close to my age. I’m not sure how to feel about that.”
Just as I was finishing my sentence, Gloria points to a pantless man walking in, “How many treatments you have left?” She asks him.
“Oh about 35. You?”
“This is my last week, then I start Chemo. I’m feeling great right now, but I’m starting to lose me hair.” She says with a pout.
Pointing at his naturally balding head, “You ain’t getting any sympathy from me, mine won’t be growing back.
In walked Spock to bring me in for my radiation, and back in the treatment area there were more Star Trek characters. I made it into work today to be the only one with a costume. A vampire made it in later in the morning so I’m not alone anymore.
Noticeable side effects these last couple days have been in my throat. It’s sore and seems to be made worse by heavy breathing and talking. I have to eat soft foods, sit still, and talk as little as possible to avoid straining it. Lunch break is over. Time to get back to work. Is there such a thing as being paid to nap? I would rock a job like that right now.