duct tape can’t fix cancer

I start radiation and chemo tomorrow. I’m not supposed to feel the side-effects right away. That’s good because fear is doing enough to my stomach right now. My heart is currently vacationing there. I’m the type of person that will ride a roller coaster over and over for the fear rush. I’m not afraid of fear, but I feel it just the same.  No matter how many times I’m aggressively outgoing, or speaking timidly, I still feel it.  I may behave as if I lack the emotion at times, but that’s never the case. I’ve learned to enjoy it and use it to my benefit. When fight or flight kicks in I instantly begin to plan. I’m already an enthusiastic goal setter and planning is a hobby I enjoy obsessively. When I’m bored I plan imaginary things I’ll never do, but would do if I was someone else. Taking something I’m good at and doing it when I feel fear… it gives me that extra focus I need to come up with a good, useful plan, rather than all the other plans that involve things that don’t exist. My heartbeat moves to my stomach, far away from the brain, giving it room to think. The rush of fear becomes a wave, and I may not stand on the board, I might hug it tightly to my stomach. No matter the posture, I enjoy the ride. (Is it okay to use a surfing metaphor if I’ve never surfed?)

Today I planned paintings while prepping 30 canvases with black gesso. I used planning to keep my mind busy and the painting was relaxing. On top of having an enjoyable day, I also accomplished a lot toward my goal to create a decent amount of art to sell at the holiday bizarre. Tomorrow I’ll start treatment and all the fear from today will seem unnecessary.


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About Kamina Kapow

I have dimples and friends

5 responses to “duct tape can’t fix cancer”

  1. Christina Conner McAlmond says :

    Tomorrow you become a warrior- we are all with you in spirit and give you our strength. It’s the journey towards recovery and this is your first step! I am excited for you to start healing and battling… becoming the amazon you are!

  2. ishmom says :

    You are strong.
    Amazingly fearless.
    Wise beyong your years.
    I am in awe of you.

  3. cardassianvole says :

    You are an incredible woman and I believe in your strength. Good luck tomorrow & each day after.

    Also — I think you have always been a warrior, since the day you were born.
    Tomorrow you may just be taking the first step in your penultimate battle.
    Time for you to go Fukushima on that cancer’s ass (that may have been a pun). xo

  4. Gina says :

    I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow. I’ve heard that it helps to imagine the tumor shrinking as you receive treatment. If anyone can shrink a tumor with their mind, it’s you.

  5. Natasha Greenman-Ruzynski says :

    I’ll light a candle for healing and strength for you today.

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