duct tape can’t fix cancer
I start radiation and chemo tomorrow. I’m not supposed to feel the side-effects right away. That’s good because fear is doing enough to my stomach right now. My heart is currently vacationing there. I’m the type of person that will ride a roller coaster over and over for the fear rush. I’m not afraid of fear, but I feel it just the same. No matter how many times I’m aggressively outgoing, or speaking timidly, I still feel it. I may behave as if I lack the emotion at times, but that’s never the case. I’ve learned to enjoy it and use it to my benefit. When fight or flight kicks in I instantly begin to plan. I’m already an enthusiastic goal setter and planning is a hobby I enjoy obsessively. When I’m bored I plan imaginary things I’ll never do, but would do if I was someone else. Taking something I’m good at and doing it when I feel fear… it gives me that extra focus I need to come up with a good, useful plan, rather than all the other plans that involve things that don’t exist. My heartbeat moves to my stomach, far away from the brain, giving it room to think. The rush of fear becomes a wave, and I may not stand on the board, I might hug it tightly to my stomach. No matter the posture, I enjoy the ride. (Is it okay to use a surfing metaphor if I’ve never surfed?)
Today I planned paintings while prepping 30 canvases with black gesso. I used planning to keep my mind busy and the painting was relaxing. On top of having an enjoyable day, I also accomplished a lot toward my goal to create a decent amount of art to sell at the holiday bizarre. Tomorrow I’ll start treatment and all the fear from today will seem unnecessary.